1. They
have MULTIPLE paid streaming services
There's nothing
sexier than someone showing off their huge, throbbing excess of streaming
services. We're talkin' Netflix, Hulu Plus, Amazon Video, HBO Go, Showtime, FX
Now, uhhh Crackle, and then services you never heard of but are cool with
having at your disposal. Like, I'll probably never watch Crunchyroll, but we
all know that old maxim about
2. They
have a GREAT dog
Ohhhh baby, sometimes I just wanna do it doggy-style....that's
right, I wanna pet a doggy. Have you ever dated someone with a GREAT dog? It's
the best. We're talking a big-ish dog (not too big, but like a golden lab or
something) who gets super pumped every time you visit, loves getting pet, loves
to go on walks to the park, and always wants to play. You get all the benefits
of being around a cool dog, while your partner is the one who has to worry
about getting its shots and what it's chewing on and what it's currently
barfing up.
Sometimes
you just gotta go downtown and eat out....of a bowl, which contains some
delicious Indian food. It's important for you both to like the same foods - can
you imagine a world where your partner never wanted to go out for Indian food?!
- but it's equally important for them to always have slightly less of an
appetite than you. That way, when they still have a little chicken vindaloo
left, they'll be all like "Oh man, I'm stuffed, you want the rest?"
and you can propose to them right then and there. And then eat their remaining
chicken vindaloo because HELL YEAH I WANT THE REST.
Ohhh baby, who's your
daddy? By that, I mean "What's your father's name?", so I can look
him up on WhitePages.com and confirm that he and the rest of your family lives
super far away, so I'm not stuck regularly attending awkward family events and
hanging out with your parents all the time. Because really, do you want to be
under the scrutiny of your date's parents on a regular basis? No way. Ideally,
there would be an online dating site SPECIFICALLY for orphans.